i drop a piece of weed and it fell in a spider web and the spider was like “my nigga” and we fist pounded
I wanted to be an English teacher. I wanted to do it for the corduroy jackets with patches on the side. When I got to college, as I was walking across campus one day, I ripped off a little flyer for this sketch-comedy group. It ended up being one of the greatest things I’ve ever done.
(IM SORRY I KNOW THIS ISN’T FUNNY BUT SWEET BABY JESUS IN HIS MANGER CAN WE JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE AND OH MYLANTA I AM JUST I JUST DONT HAVE WORDS I AM SO SORRY)

someone has waited their entire life to put that title to use and if he is not promoted immediately i am calling the l.a. times and complaining
in grade 8 i did a power point presentation on “whooping cough” and my opening slide was a photo of whoopi goldberg coughing and i was the only person who laughed at it and i couldnt start the presentation for like five minutes because i was laughing too hard at my own joke


