africans:

i drop a piece of weed and it fell in a spider web and the spider was like “my nigga” and we fist pounded

I wanted to be an English teacher. I wanted to do it for the corduroy jackets with patches on the side. When I got to college, as I was walking across campus one day, I ripped off a little flyer for this sketch-comedy group. It ended up being one of the greatest things I’ve ever done.

(IM SORRY I KNOW THIS ISN’T FUNNY BUT SWEET BABY JESUS IN HIS MANGER CAN WE JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE AND OH MYLANTA I AM JUST      I JUST DONT HAVE WORDS        I AM SO SORRY)

nevvzealand:

my parents think i spend all this time on facebook

chudobs:

someone has waited their entire life to put that title to use and if he is not promoted immediately i am calling the l.a. times and complaining

a detailed list of people who have a crush on me:

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robertoluongo:

in grade 8 i did a power point presentation on “whooping cough” and my opening slide was a photo of whoopi goldberg coughing and i was the only person who laughed at it and i couldnt start the presentation for like five minutes because i was laughing too hard at my own joke

niknak79:

He’s tripping on acid

spotifylistener:

when i have a kid i’m going to make his middle name “lazy” or something so that when ppl yell at him like “holy frick you’re so lazy” he can just be like “yeah well lazy’s my middle name” and swag the fuck outta there